No thanks, I'm just looking

I haven't even finished telling you about the unbelievably dull stuff I bought at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, yet here I am, browsing through their cosmetics and skincare section. Why? Because Lisa of GWP Addict informed me that Nordstrom was offering a new deluxe sample bag.

I know what you're thinking. "Again with the samples????? Didn't you just unload these

Clockwise from top right: two plastic drawers + one large tray of samples, with a couple of sheet masks

on the girls last May?"

Yes. Yes, I did. But I just wanted to see whether I could even be tempted. Because when I got out of the shower yesterday, I was struck by the sheer mass of beauty products on my bathroom vanity. In my attempts to really educate myself about Korean beauty products, I've done serious damage at Sephora. And Nordstrom. And Masksheets.com. And joined a K-beauty subscription service. I also picked up a few products in Prague and Vienna.

I'm in replacement-only, one-in/one-out mode, and my purchases, if any, will be limited to nail polish remover, cotton pads, and shampoo.

That's enough about you, Poppy. What's up at Nordstrom?

Not much. The free deluxe sample bags are full of Clinique anti-acne products and perfume vials--exactly the sort of thing I don't need.

Meh.

Even I can't get worked about a gift bag like this. But let's pretend I were. What exciting new products could I find?

Let's search for Nordstrom's newest products and see what's up ... OK, the most recent Tom Ford fragrance? Sorry, Tom, I'm not sophisticated enough for you.

Erno Laszlo skincare sets? Good lord, how retro. I think his black soap was a thing in the 1970s. Does anyone still USE this stuff?

And then there's this

Foreo Luna mini 2 compact cleansing device. In (and I'm not making this up) Pink Pearl.

which looks the kind of sex toy I'm far too prudish to know how to use.

And just look at this facial scrub/mask stuff.

Twenty bucks says it's hand-crafted in Brooklyn, or some such shit. 

I'm betting Aster & Bay's No. 1 grains are made of artisanal pickles and mustache wax.

Onward! Lancôme's latest mascara

looks like you use it to clean toilets.

Their new eyeliner

makes me think of

Finally, there are patchology's lip patches

Which ... OK, I'll use an occasional sheet mask. But honestly, drink enough water, watch out for super-matte lipsticks, and use balm. Do we really need a separate product to stick on our lips?

I mean, you start here

and before you know it, you've become more high-maintenance than a Palm Springs putting green.

So thanks for the offer of the gift bag, Nordstrom ... but I'll pass.