Uggs and Birkenstocks and storks, oh my!

I'm bopping around the internet checking out the clearance sales and new arrivals and honestly, I have seen some really astonishingly hideous stuff that is begging to be mocked. Except in many cases, words fail me. I could provide an amusing rant about a single item, but the Saks website's clearance section, even when narrowed down to items that would actually fit me, consists of thirty pages of eye-rollers. After a while, I was speechless. Yes, literally speechless.

And then I came upon an item at Nordstrom. Let's see if I've conceptualized my take on it sufficiently clearly.

What would happen if this

 and this

got married and had a baby?

You'd get this

which can be yours for the low, low price of $328.98.

But wait—it gets better! These "boots" also come in Winter White. In case you think black is too slimming.

I don't know about you, but I can never make my feet look big and wide enough. Amirite???

Honestly, if my feet hurt so much that this—how can I put this tactfully—"Hazmat footwear" sums it up best, I suppose—were my only option ... I'd stay home.