These are the breaks. And I don't like them:
1. That Stud Muffin I Married is in the middle of a trial. The trial is taking place in Chicago, so I can't say he's out of town. But he might as well be in San Diego.
2. My regular babysitter is home recuperating from Major Lady Parts surgery. We won't be seeing her in these parts for another month.
3. Which means I'm the only responsible adult in the place.
4. Please don't pee in your pants laughing at the idea.
5. Because I have enough messes to clean up around here.
6. The special education bimbos at my kids' school are pissing me off again.
7. I shouted at them this morning.
8. Sample shouted Poppism: "Of course math is his best subject. His father went to M. I. Fucking T.!"
9. That is an actual quotation, not what I wished I had said.
10. Actually I wish I hadn't said it.
11. I think I must be menopausal or premenstrual or maybe both.
12. One sign of being deeply hormonal is blaming everything on your hormones.
13. Sometimes I wish I still smoked, because then I could do something about my stress levels that would make me feel better, and at least it wouldn't be fattening.
14. Because another sign of being deeply hormonal is exercising and eating right and still being H U G E.
15. Another sign of being deeply hormonal is an inability to think in paragraphs,
16. instead, resorting to numbered lists.
17. Much more of this and I'll take up cigar smoking.
18. And become a female version of Groucho Marx. Or maybe George Burns.
19. Whichever I become, I'll definitely be an old wrinkly one.
20. So how's your day coming along, Gracie?