Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for Poppy Buxom's kitchen.
Over the past few weeks, many members of the Buxom family have felt anxiety about her cooking and her so-called "cleaning up." She understands their worry and their frustration.
So she proposes that the federal government hire an indefinite number of cooks and maids so that Buxoms and other lovers of fine food and wine can avoid food poisoning and resume eating.
This rescue effort is not aimed at preserving any individual person or family. It is aimed at preserving the Buxoms' overall health, as well as the health of their friends, relatives, contractors, lawn guys, and the guy who comes around quarterly to make sure mice don't move in.How did her kitchen reach this point? Well, most Home Economists agree that the problems we're witnessing today developed over a long period of time. For more than a decade, a massive amount of internet technology has flowed into Poppy Buxom's kitchen from wireless DSL modems, making her kitchen into an attractive and secure place to blog, email, Twitter, FaceBook, and generally fritter away a lot of time.
Now, Poppy Buxom believes housewives who spend hours in front of their lap tops--who, in short, make bad decisions--should be allowed to end up overweight, depressed, and divorced.
And under normal circumstances, she would have followed this course. But these are not normal circumstances. The household is not functioning properly. There has been a widespread loss of cleanliness. Major sectors of the Buxoms' food-preparation system are at risk of shutting down.
The household's top home economic experts warn that, without immediate action by health inspectors, the Buxoms could slip into a culinary panic, and much projectile vomiting would occur.
The choice, therefore is clear. Spend the money on kitchen help now, or rack up a huge hospital bill. Poppy believes you should hire the kitchen help--regardless of what it costs you.
Together we will show the world once again what kind of family the Buxoms are: one that tackles problems head on, by going to the American taxpayer with their hands out. A family where Mr. and Mrs. Buxom come together to make huge messes for other people to clean up. And finally, a kitchen where bacteria of every background can work hard, develop their talents, and realize their dreams.
This is much funnier than anything I could write.