Tuesday, December 01, 2009

I was in mint condition, but now I'm melting ... melting

Tuesdays are my favorite day of the week. I don't have any board meetings, rehearsals, or physical therapy. The house cleaners don't come. And now that grass cutting season is over, the lawn guys leave me alone, too.

What do I do on my favorite day of the week? Mostly I like to putter around--maybe do a few errands. Today I did so many--involving shopping for and then stringing Christmas lights all over my yard--that I became dangerously under-caffeinated. So at 5:00, after I dropped my son at his cello lesson, I decided to get myself some coffee.

I went to Caribou Coffee to get a seasonal latte. Something Christmas-y and festive. (After all, there should be some pay-off for the time I spent leaning out my porch windows stringing colored icicle lights along the window boxes.)

I picked the Mint Condition latte made with dark chocolate.

I didn't want to be ridiculously decadent, so I ordered the drink without the whipped cream. But then the barrista forgot and included it. I refused to let her throw out the drink and make me another. I'm earth friendly and green (and a cheap bastid) and anyway, what the hell, right? I usually drink my coffee with 2 percent milk and Splenda, and in the words of an advertisement so old it actually predates the internet: if I'm going to go blonde, I'm going blonde all the way.

Well. It was the best thing I've ever tasted in my life. Seriously. Coffee, milk, dark Guittard chocolate, mint flavoring ... even chopped Andes candy sprinkled on the whipped cream. This thing was an orgasm in a coffee cup. All it needed was some booze and it would be the perfect food.

Down towards the bottom of the cup, I started to wonder whether it was possible that I'd actually lost my appetite for dinner. I realize this sounds unlikely. But I felt strangely full. And my stomach hurt. In fact, I think my pancreas was hurting as well.

I staggered home to investigate and discovered that in the space of about five minutes, I had chugged a couple of candy bars. Maybe three. Because this

represents a whopping 590 calories. Or--in another way of looking at it--my dinner.

No wonder I tried to get my husband to cook. No wonder I didn't want to look at food. Or smell it. Or think about it.

On the bright side, with my 590 calories, I also got 11 grams of protein and 35 percent of my calcium for the day! Which means that when I keel over with a heart attack from chugging 41 grams of fat, I won't break a hip bone.


  1. Calories, in my experience, are the only things that cement a memory into my increasingly sieve-like brain.

    This latte will stay with you forever. And I don't mean in a fat way.

  2. I actually used to work at Caribou Coffee (to supplement my crap income from my "real" job) and that place totally turned me on to coffee. The Mint Condition is quite decadant but I tell myself it's okay if I get skim milk, no whip, and half the amount of syrup. That makes it zero cal, right?

  3. So it's dinner AND dessert in a cup, right? I never order those drinks because I know that I'd get hooked.

  4. Sometimes every single one of those 590 calories are worth it.


    Your ad reference made me think of another prehistoric hair ad: "She conked out but her hair held up." (Hmmm, I think that's right - Google can't find it!)

  5. I had one of these once, on a bonding afternoon with my daughter. She was embarrassed by my moaning and writhing. I've had sex that wasn't as good.

  6. i like middle aged woman's comment!

    it looks incredible. oh the anguish.
    but i will say that i am impressed that you know how many calories are in your dinner. is that something i am supposed to know as well?

    but i guess even i can say hey, that is more than 25% of the alleged average 2000 calorie intake of a person.

  7. I think my cholesterol just went up.

  8. Crumbs, I thought the day the housecleaner came was meant to be a good day.

  9. The Coffee Lady: I should send a picture to that This is Why You're Fat blog. It would help other caffeine-deprived people with no common sense.

    AGirlNamedBrian: If you say so!

    Green Girl in Wisconsin: Definitely. Also, three of these and a vitamin pill and I'm done for the day!

    Violet: Maybe the calories are worth it. But not an hour before dinner. I defy you to eat more than steamed vegetables after that load of sugar and fat.

    MAW: Sadly, I know exactly what you mean. ;-)

    Mouthy-Broad: Well ... I figure if I allot 400 calories to breakfast, 500 to lunch, and 600 to dinner, factor in a couple of small snacks and a glass of wine, I can skip all those tedious Weight Watchers meetings.

    bb: I would have been scared to go to a doctor within 48 hours of drinking that thing.

    Duchess: It's lovely to come home that day, but it's a team of four and I have to stay in the basement or the porch to keep out of their way.

  10. Starbucks too...but now in NYC they have to post calories of everything...
    Suddenly everyone is having skim lattes and oatmeal rather than the Holiday Latte with gooey and rich looking cookie bar that has a calorie price tag of 500+

  11. I'm so glad I take it black.

  12. OMG, that is too funny. A cautionary tale to be sure. But I still think those calories don't count as much if they're liquid... right? :)

  13. THANK GOD we have noone of those coffee things here. HA!
    Althouhg, we have plenty to replace the calories. OY.

  14. Not only that--but extra weight, even if taken internally, helps build strong bones. We're not "letting ourselves go--" we're warding off osteoporosis. Sadly, if we do manage to trip and fall, we're harder to pick up. But we can be rolled a long way.


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.