Friday, April 08, 2016

Have you tried shopping for jeans lately?

This post is illustrated with pictures of the kind of jeans you couldn't pay me to wear. I'm sorry, Macy's.

I don't mean to whine, internet, but I'm in a fix.

I had three pairs of Gap mid-rise skinny jeans, and one sprang a hole not far from the crotch. If it had been the knee, I'd have thought about patching it, because I have yards of denim available—at any moment, I can put my hands on three or four pairs of jeans with shredded knees that my son has left in a drawer in his room. He'd never miss one pair, and I could cut one up and use it to patch the others.

OH MY GOD. Am I think about doing a craft? (Better back away from the Pinterest.)

But really, nothing shouts "CHUB RUB" like jeans with a patched crotch. So I threw them out.

At any rate, when I realized I had only two pairs of jeans left, I thought I thought I could hit up the Gap website and order a couple of new pairs. Except they didn't seem to have my style.

Did you know that the Gap puts dates in their jeans? Upon further investigation, I discovered that my jeans date to 2012.

Not my old jeans, available at Macy's for $249


So then I started browsing websites. I realize that for normal people, the fit of a pair of jeans is right up there with the fit of their bras. In fact, I've seen many a woman who could stand to ignore her butt and spend more time and attention properly supporting the girls, but that's another post.

For $199, I'd prefer that jeans jeans arrived home from the store sans rips

I've been ignoring my butt for years. When I was in my early twenties, a boyfriend of mine informed me that my ass was as flat as a wallet with no money in it. This didn't bother me particularly, because J. Lo hadn't been invented yet. And anyway, I was too busy being self-conscious about my bust and tummy to worry about what was going on behind me.

I'm an hourglass who, when she gains weight, turns into an apple. And now that I'm well into middle age, my tendency to to put weight on in the stomach, waist, and bosom has only increased. Still, the flat butt remark was true then, and can only be said to be more true now, when my lack of estrogen makes me even less likely to store fat in the hips, thighs, and butt.

I'm pretty sure a glimpse of spider veins was not what the designer had in mind. $199 at Macy's.


For descriptions of the apple shape and the best tricks and tips for dressing it, click here. It's all solid information and depressing as hell.

Unfortunately for me, as long as my butt is covered and there aren't handfuls of fabric draped off of what's left of my ass, I'm happy. 

I've already complained about bad clothes paired with great shoes. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, MACY'S.


But honestly, finding non-stupid-looking age-appropriate jeans is a challenge.

I already know about NYDJ, but when it gets warmer—and it will, even though it is snowing at the moment—on April 8th, mind you—I find them a bit too girdle-like for comfort.

I'm probably going to have to to wander into a brick and mortar store, so feel free to recommend anything at all. What about Old Navy? Any jeans styles there for the flat of butt?

18 comments:

  1. I do a kind of high(ish)/low thing with jeans. Old Navy has some great cuts and I'm in love with their high(er) waist jeans...but they are cheap and I've worn a couple of pairs out.
    On the other hand, JCrew has really swell high waist jeans with stretch for comfort and I love them. They're $115+/- and much nicer quality.
    I'm not willing to spend much more than that on jeans.
    Finally, perhaps you ought to consider a Levis style. Is there still a store? Women seem to love their jeans.

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    1. I figure if I can get four years out of a pair of Gap jeans, I could do OK with Old Navy, with the addition that perhaps my jeans will wear out before they go out of style. For me, this could be a plus.

      I don't know about J. Crew jeans. I'm not sure they make anything big enough.

      I don't like the big leather patch on the back of Levi's jeans. I believe we have a store on Michigan Avenue, so I'll check it out.

      Thanks for the suggestions!

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  2. I would check out Banana Republic. The clothes are weird but I've had good luck with the denim.

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    1. There was a BR store within walking distance of my house and I was so pissed when it turned into a Chico's. I haven't shopped in a BR store since--I'll have to nose around. Thanks!

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  3. The zipper just broke on my beloved (2010) Long and Lean Gap jeans. (And while I consider myself pretty talented with a sewing machine, that sucker busted a couple teeth off in it's death and I don't think replacing the zipper in a pair of jeans is in my skill set.) So I wandered into our factory store and found a pair of sexy bootcuts that I adore. They had a multitude of skinnies as well, but I find skinnies to be the work of Satan and wish they'd die a firey death asap. They do very unflattering things to so many well intentioned people...

    I also picked up a couple pairs of Kohl's Apt 9 brand a few months back. They have more stretch than I'm used to, but they are also buttery soft and don't stretch out like most stretchy jeans I've tried. I'd love to hit up an Old Navy as they used to be my favorite place for jeans, but the store here went under 5 years back. *sob*

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    1. I feel you on the skinny jeans. When it came to them, I was the last by whom the new is tried, but even I think the look has dragged on long enough. Stupid jeans makers! Make something different! But not rolled distressed boyfriend jeans FOR GOD'S SAKE.

      I'll check out Old Navy--the ayes have it!

      Thanks for chiming in. All suggestions cheerfully noted BECAUSE I'M DESPERATE.

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  4. I would like a pair of faded, relaxed fit/straight leg jeans, that are regular length (not ankle), for under $100 (ideally). WITH NO HOLES IN THEM. And no other embellishment. Such a thing does not seem to exist. It's either dark with no holes or faded with all the other problems.

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    1. Yes, and although I like dark jeans for winter, in the summer they look hot. I usually switch into white jeans because I can never get the fade I like.

      OMG I am unleashing positive torrents of whining. Sorry, internet!

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  5. Hi! Check out Liverpool Jeans Company. They are designed for 35+ women but are not frumpy. They have a lot of different styles and colors. Nordstrom carries them online and there are some at Amazon too. A friend worked for them and they are a small company but their quality is excellent. Also, they are under $100 which is always a good thing. Good luck!

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    1. You have said all the right things. It's like you're the Mephistopheles of jeans. Thank you!

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  6. Lmao. Oh I agree. With everything. I've got curves and I'm a normal weight but the Apple shape is a bitch. I never have enough waist definition and after I had my daughter my thighs decided they needed to get in on the action as well. So I guess I'm morphing into a pear ish. I don't know. But at 29, I'm constantly floundering as to what the hell is age appropriate for me, and I DESPISE back pocket flaps, holes, rips, tears, embroidery, paint splatters (wtf?), etc. And as much as I don't want to spend more money on a pair of jeans, the $20 pair is so stretchy I can't keep them up and so unflattering I look at least 10 pounds heavier which I need no help in, thank you very much. I'm hitting the local high end consignment store. There's got to be designer denim that is NORMAL, one would think.

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    1. Consignment might be just the ticket. My friend Susie Sunshine cleaned up big time at my church rummage sale. Unfortunately I live in one of those towns where everyone is blonde and thin, so their old clothes don't fit me.

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  7. I bought a pair of white Kut Catherine jeans just because I like the name and they were on sale for about $50. I live south of Miami so they are worn all year. Oh and I am an apple too.

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  8. Of course! I have to confess a certain attraction to Coach's Poppy line, myself.

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  9. I do like Old Navy skinny jeans. I am a very recent convert to skinny jeans, I despised them for years and swore I would never buy a pair. Anyway I went with "Curvy" and they are great. I also like DKNY and Calvin Klein jeans, both in boot cut. The quality in Old Navy jeans is pretty good, I have to say! And I believe I got them for less than $25. I do not like distressed jeans at all, I wore that look back when I was 20 and I am not revisiting that trend. I hate J. Crew pants and I think even J. Crew hates their own pants--they don't look good on the models, have you seen some of these ridiculous catalog pictures? I am very sympathetic about purchasing jeans. I have taken to ordering MANY pairs from Macy's (DKNY and Calvin, wait for a sale and order enough to get free shipping!), trying them all on and returning to the store everything that doesn't fit. It's exhausting. x

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  10. I love the NYDJ but as you point out they may be too warm for the summer season. I have had great luck with Calvin Klein jeans.
    I am with you on non distressed and ripped jeans. They look great in others just not on me!

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  11. Just my 2 cents but...the quality of Old Navy denim is very poor, thats why they are so inexpensive. I have had numerous pairs wear through and/or fall apart at the seams. If you are ok with only getting maybe a season's wear out of them, but when I find jeans I like, I like to keep them for a few years. If you have the time, (and you need at least an hour for this) is to go to J.Crew and try on all their jeans (especially toothpick (yes!) and the higher-rise styles in a variety of sizes and washes. They are really terrific jeans, great quality, often on promotion (like right now) but...all the styles and even washes fit a little differently so it's going to take a bit of time to find the perfect pair. The J.Crew jeans fit nothing like their pants, as the jeans have been designed by Paige denim for the past few years. Good Luck!
    p.s. love our blog! I just "discovered" it a few months ago!

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  12. I have a bubble butt with straight hips and a tummy...size 12-14. My current faves are some Bandelino brand stretchy jeans I got at Sam's Club. I cannot deal with low rise jeans that slide down or have a waistband that flips down. There is a discount store near my that carries out of season stuff and there I found some Miracle Jeans...similar to NYDJ but lighter. Just bought a pair of highwaisted flares from Old Navy..cut the hems off because I am all about raggedy jeans with great shoes and a jacket. Love you Beauty Boomer - you're so funny.

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.