Have you tried shopping for jeans lately?

This post is illustrated with pictures of the kind of jeans you couldn't pay me to wear. I'm sorry, Macy's.

I don't mean to whine, internet, but I'm in a fix.

I had three pairs of Gap mid-rise skinny jeans, and one sprang a hole not far from the crotch. If it had been the knee, I'd have thought about patching it, because I have yards of denim available—at any moment, I can put my hands on three or four pairs of jeans with shredded knees that my son has left in a drawer in his room. He'd never miss one pair, and I could cut one up and use it to patch the others.

OH MY GOD. Am I think about doing a craft? (Better back away from the Pinterest.)

But really, nothing shouts "CHUB RUB" like jeans with a patched crotch. So I threw them out.

At any rate, when I realized I had only two pairs of jeans left, I thought I thought I could hit up the Gap website and order a couple of new pairs. Except they didn't seem to have my style.

Did you know that the Gap puts dates in their jeans? Upon further investigation, I discovered that my jeans date to 2012.

Not my old jeans, available at Macy's for $249

So then I started browsing websites. I realize that for normal people, the fit of a pair of jeans is right up there with the fit of their bras. In fact, I've seen many a woman who could stand to ignore her butt and spend more time and attention properly supporting the girls, but that's another post.

For $199, I'd prefer that jeans jeans arrived home from the store sans rips

I've been ignoring my butt for years. When I was in my early twenties, a boyfriend of mine informed me that my ass was as flat as a wallet with no money in it. This didn't bother me particularly, because J. Lo hadn't been invented yet. And anyway, I was too busy being self-conscious about my bust and tummy to worry about what was going on behind me.

I'm an hourglass who, when she gains weight, turns into an apple. And now that I'm well into middle age, my tendency to to put weight on in the stomach, waist, and bosom has only increased. Still, the flat butt remark was true then, and can only be said to be more true now, when my lack of estrogen makes me even less likely to store fat in the hips, thighs, and butt.

I'm pretty sure a glimpse of spider veins was not what the designer had in mind. $199 at Macy's.

For descriptions of the apple shape and the best tricks and tips for dressing it, click here. It's all solid information and depressing as hell.

Unfortunately for me, as long as my butt is covered and there aren't handfuls of fabric draped off of what's left of my ass, I'm happy. 

I've already complained about bad clothes paired with great shoes. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, MACY'S.

But honestly, finding non-stupid-looking age-appropriate jeans is a challenge.

I already know about NYDJ, but when it gets warmer—and it will, even though it is snowing at the moment—on April 8th, mind you—I find them a bit too girdle-like for comfort.

I'm probably going to have to to wander into a brick and mortar store, so feel free to recommend anything at all. What about Old Navy? Any jeans styles there for the flat of butt?